Why do I strive to impress her? I always have. She is painfully critical of me and my choices. This is ridiculous, I am a grown ass woman. How she reduces me to this I have no idea. I am a child in her presence, trying so hard no to fuck up and say something dumb, because with a glare or an underhanded insult she reduces me to tears. She found out I'm not working and I overheard her telling my Mum and Auntie: "I'm not worrying about anyone anymore. Just you guys. I don't have time to worry about her." Maybe you don't have to worry but it wouldn't hurt for you to pretend like you give two shits. Other people notice this. You treat your other Grandchildren differently. When I saw you before church on Christmas Eve and I knelt down to whisper Merry Christmas, you gave me a dirty look like I was someone you hated giving you an insult. I smile at you and you sneer. I offer to help you with something and you turn it around to make me feel like the smallest fucking tool like how DARE i offer to help you with this or that. I'm a nice person and a good person and other people tell me that they love me. I write music, I have a band. I wouldn't think you'd ever be curious about that, or want to hear any of my recordings, because the one song that I ever showed you, you left the room before the song was even over (my music is not offensive to anyone that I could possibly imagine) and offered not a word of feedback. I know you disapprove of my piercings, tattoos, overall lifestyle and divorce but this is me and I wish you would accept me, or alternately that I could tell you to go fuck yourself, but ultimately I love you because you are my Grandmother and I will continue to suffer through this for the rest of your life. Holy shit this is such a depressing subject matter and I hate talking about it because it makes me sound like a whiny victim and that's definitely not who I like to be.... so yeah, that's my bitch.
---I'm really actually a very happy person.