To the jerk(s) who broke into my silver Cavalier on Saturday night: Please return the shit you know you can't use or isn't of value to you. Just call it into lost and found. Pretend it never happened. No big deal. You stole my wallet with zero cash and no credit cards or cards of use to you unless you get off on gaining American Eagle points or want to get 10 percent off at Suzy Shier. You stole my dirty work clothes and work shoes. Can't imagine you want those. You also took my day-planner. Sweet. Now you know when my lab report is due and when I have class on Mondays. Woooop. You know you didn't get away with nothing. You know what you can sell. So please compromise with me and return my purse. It's the least you can do at this point. —Girl Who Has to Work Tomorrow and Needs her Work Shit