It's getting warmer—and that means soon, all the stupid parents who let their kids play in traffic will be putting out their completely ineffective little "We love our kids please slow down" signs. This, in spite of the fact that many putting out such signs have massive, fully landscaped backyards where their spawn can safely play—and the fact that motorists in this city are known nation-wide for their shitty driving. Even the few good drivers can have trouble stopping in time if little Timmy ignores the calls of "Car!" and decides to keep chasing the hockey ball into the street regardless. Kids are stupid like that. It's not their fault but they are. So, let your kids play on your own goddamned property instead of sending them out the front door into the path of some dumbass doing 70 in a school zone.
—The street is not a playground

Today on the way to work there were three bus shelters in a row with the glass broken. As a tax payer in this city, I am tired of paying for this shit over and over. I'm sure the tempered glass that size is at least $2K per pane installed and cleaned up. My advice is for the city council to remove all the shelters as they get broken. Most bus stops don't have them. If it's raining bring a fucking umbrella. If it's cold, dress for the fucking weather. It is obvious that people in this city can't teach their fucking kids to respect property. Spend the money on useful things like maybe another brand new bus or metal benches at every bus stop.
—Spend the money better

A bunch of strangers cuddling together in a room is about as appealing as a boiled egg fart. What is wrong with you people? Get a dog or a stuffed animal.
—What next?

I'm noticing a trend among young women these days: A lot of ya'll are now talking with that annoying Kim Kardashian fake baby voice/vocal fry. It's extremely irksome and it makes you sound like a complete moron. Grow up and speak like the woman of age that you clearly are. You're aren't a teeny bopper or a valley girl or a baby, so stop talking like one. It ain't cute and it ain't cool. Same goes for the upspeak—aka ending every statement on a high-note. How can you expect anyone to respect your opinion or what you have to say if you sound like a total ditz? Back in my day, women prided themselves on being assertive, shrewd business women. These days millenials are all a bunch of cutesy insta-wannabe bubbleheads who can't even talk properly. You may think you sound hip, but people are actually laughing at how stupid you sound. Open your mouth and let the sound come out. You're a big girl now
—Vocal Fry fries your vocal chords and my ear drums.

To the person who chucked their whole McDonald's lunch litter into the middle of Dublin Street between Young and Cork Streets on May 21st, here's the refuse you refused to recycle or even take home: large paper bag (recyclable), burger carton (recyclable), two paper napkins (compostable), a whole large bacon and cheddar angus bun (compostable.), a salad container (garbage) the container cover (recyclable), an unopened package of croutons (compostable and recyclable), a plastic fork (recyclable) the fork wrapper (recyclable), a paper and plastic bag (recyclable) and a very large piece of garbage: You! Lots of retired people live along there and some have surveillance and are hyper vigilant. One lady I spoke with saw the bag being chucked and others may have you on their cameras. The world can't afford trash like you any more. Smarten up. You're being watched more than you think.
—Tired of trash chuckers

I saw you steal the balloon off that old lady's front porch. Your buddy kept yelling "Wrong house! Wrong house!" but was perfectly fine after you snagged that precious, partially deflated pink prize. At least the third member of your drunk little gang had the decency to look ashamed when I met his eyes. You and the other shitbag, though, have a special spot in hell waiting. I don't care how drunk you were, you and your buddy are pieces of shit.
Oh, and if that banging I heard as I walked away turns out to have been you, and I see any damage done to the park or bus stop on my walk to work, guess what? I recognized you, and I hope seeing the cops coming to take you in for vandalism scares that shittiness out of you.
—Seriously, stealing a ballon from an old lady's house? How fucked are you?

To the local alt-weekly newspaper publishing climate denial in the form of a letter to the editor that's full of lies fabricated by oil companies, risking the future of the planet to make a buck: Don’t.
—Not brainwashed, just worried about the future of humanity

Bring Back Bald Britney
She a boss ass bitch
with an umbrella ella ella
Bustin up car windows
No more dancing Vegas puppet
Handlers at the kitty cat ranch

Fat Palimony bitchboy
Federline fed enough
He eatin like a king,
Bling bling bling,
Cut him off judge!
Leave Britney alone!
Illuminati queen, next to Bey
But I like Sahsa Fierce better.

Bring back bald Britney
and bald Bynes too.
Yas yas yas queens
Yous the real shits
Stay Woke
—Read between the lines

Today at the Windsor exchange, there were four panhandlers working all medians and walking into traffic. Stop giving them money! They are a nuisance and a distraction. Last Sunday, going straight on the MacDonald Bridge at the corner of Nantucket Avenue and Wyse Road, a truck in front of me was giving money to a beggar (on the passenger's side) who was walking the middle of the road, just as the light turned green. As the truck took off, this asshole stood in front of me with a big grin, holding me up. Knock it off!
—Mad Max

Called to order a donair from the pizza place, which was listed for $9.50. They wanted to charge me an extra three dollars for delivery because my order is under $10. Why not just add the extra 50 cents, then, to bump it up to 10 bucks? Why do you need three dollars more for nothing? Fuck you, you charletons! I don't like being nickelled and dimed and charged extra for nothing. Why not make the price of large donair 10 bucks, not 9.50? Then they want an extra dollar to use interac. It's 2019, everywhere has interac for free, dipwads. Welcome to the 21 century. I cancelled my order because I want a donair, not a head fuck! Also, I didn't like the tone of the asshole on the phone. Won't be calling you damn rip off artists again! Also your donair causes uncontrollable diarrhoea the next morning, so I'm doing myself a favor, actually.
—Shove it up your ass