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To the religious lady from the Baptist church who felt the need to degrade me and call me names and abuse me for being LGBT, when all I wanted to do was finish my shift as a barista: I wish I knew what to do to stand up to you. You looked at me with so much hatred in your eyes while talking about God’s love. I actually pity you and the evil person you are. — Battered Barista

You rolled your eyes at me and my friend while we talked/paid up. You did the same thing again as I accepted my change but opted to put none of it in your tip jar. I am all for tipping for good/friendly service, but you didn't make the cut.
—Who Pissed In Your Cornflakes?

Chalkboard signs outside cafés are one thing, but it's a whole other nuisance to have to read the same bad puns everyone's seen online every time we walk down the street. Write your own promotions. How hard is it? No matter how bad, at the very least it won't look like your business is being run by an attention-starved teenager. —Your Bad Marketing is Making Me Depresso

Dear coffee shop-goers,
Please use common sense.

It is a coffee shop. Of course we sell "just normal" coffee. Just because we don't sell you a double-double does not mean we don't sell coffee.

When asked if you would like whole, skim or soy, or dark or medium roast, "regular" is not an option. We would not go through a list of possible options for you to just say "regular". 2% was also not an option. We would tell you if it was.

Also, if you are told that we have two kinds of muffins, don't ask if we also have blueberry. That was not one of the choices listed. We do not keep a secret list of baked goods that you are able to choose from if you are in the know.

And please be nice. It doesn't hurt to be polite and say thank you. A smile goes a long way.